In a perfect world

So, the babies are doing better and I'm thinking I will be able to go on this retreat. That is stressing me out more than taking care of sick kids. If I am going away I want all my laundry done before I go. I know this is impossible. I like to set my standards high. I really should have had my hair cut. I have to mop my floors. My mother is coming to sleep here tonight so I want my daughter to change all the sheets on her bed and clean her room. I am going to teach next Tuesday and it just hit me that I might not be ready. And I have no clothes. I live in my jeans and this is not a place you wear jeans. And I had no time to go shopping for clothes because my kids were sick, And, And....

I know there is a whole psychological thing going on. I am afraid to leave my family so I am finding all these excuses why I shouldn't or can't. This is only stressing me out more. I know this so shouldn't I be able to knock it off?

I always feel this way about things I look forward to. Like Christmas or Easter or vacations. I am anxious for them but, right before the time comes I think 'I haven't cleaned under my stove!' My life is not perfect yet. I need more time before I can enjoy it.

I feel this way but, I hope I don't show this to my kids. Everyday should be a holiday. Everyday my life is perfect, even if my laundry is not done and my floors are dirty. This is the only March 16 2006 I am ever going to have. I should be savouring it.

Ok, that did make me feel better.

I am going to really live in the moment and fold laundry as a meditation.

Now there's a book someone should write, The Meditation of laundry.

If I don't write again until Sunday it's because I packed my only pair of pants, one skirt and pjs and drove away screaming REEETTTRRREEEAAAT! Oh what will the neighbors say.